What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 04:26
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Put me off passion for life!!
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Is it wise to SECRETLY expose a narcissist by telling others that he/she is a covert narcissist?
I waited trembling.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Would this be the day?
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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So, i spoilt her more .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He resisted the act ,that day.
It was going to be , some day.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I said to her
What is the typical mentality of the Indian society?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why did my ex-narcissist move so fast with his new supply marriage engagement moving in, etc.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But ive been too sick for many years..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was scared of men, in general
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why did i forgive my father ?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I write beautiful poetry .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Comes on , in middle age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We all went to grammer schools
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im still living with it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was 9 years of age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She loved him until the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I think the readers, may guess!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Especially a lifetime of it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
All the time i was locked up.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She found it foreign!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He knew the spot.
Ive learnt so much.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I have no regrets .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My life is so biszare .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Who then, do I blame.?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was very sick at this time too.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was seconnd youngest,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She wouldn,t have been !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I will be 64.
She was in good health!
What did i know ?
This is soul school!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot live in the past .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When she asked me how she looked .
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I don,t even have a pension.
She married twice! .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But, we were locked up after school.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So whats the point in blame.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I could never make a relationship work though!
My family never makes their pension either.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!